Conflict, Love, and Listening

Peace Studies, Paper #1

Professor McCarthy

During the first evening of class Professor McCarthy asked all of the students, “Have any of you ever taken a class about peace?” Not a single hand in the room went up. I never pondered much about why classes that preach peace are rarely taught, but after taking this class I see the importance and value of this message. The message of peace and learning how to live peacefully is enhanced when a diverse group of people, like the students in our class, come together in one room bringing different views and experiences to the table. Students from across the country and outside its borders discuss what peace is, how to live peacefully, and why there is a lack of peace in the world. Strength through Peace, contains a section called “Settling Conflicts with Love.” This section includes a variety of essays, including, “Conflict, Equality, and Marriage,” “Reflective Listening,” “Sensing,” “Everyday Love,” and “Resolving Conflicts Nonviolently.” These essays illustrate what could be common knowledge if it was consistently taught-peaceful conflict resolutions.

“Conflict, Equality and Marriage,” written by Richard Driscoll, is full of valuable tips for those who are married and for those who believe that marriage is in their future. I am young and single, but Driscolls words regarding equal participation between the husband and the wife, will be stored in my mind for future reference. “A solid ream of research finds that marriages in which husbands and wives participate equally are the most satisfying.” I agree with this bit of information based on observing family and friends. My parents are what I call very “traditional.” My dad makes the money and my mom does the majority of child rearing. While they love each other very much, I know that at times it was difficult for my mom to be the sole parent of three girls while my dad was traveling on business. Some would say that these roles are equal, just different. I would say that they are unequal due to the fact that making the money in a household brings the individual greater respect and esteem from the people around them. I think it is important to have a husband and wife be a bit androgynous so as to reduce tension that may arise from feelings of uneven contribution to the relationship.

Listening is a talent that can also help reduce tension in a marriage or any other relationship. Neil Katz and John W. Lawyer discuss the value of listening in their “Reflective Listening” essay. I particularly enjoyed this piece because I think many underestimate the power of a good listener. My father always told me that it was more important to really listen to another’s point of view rather than making sure you are always heard. In this, he meant that people really respect and appreciate someone who really takes the time to understand what they are saying. “Hi-quality listening is an acquired skill that can be very sophisticated in practice and powerful in impact, particularly in stressful and conflictual situations.” So many people have conflict with each other due to a lack of understanding between one another. If each would enact their reflective listening skills, gather information, process information, and try to figure out what the other person meant, there would likely be less confusion and conflict among different groups of people.

Not only is it important to listen with your ears, but it is necessary to use other senses to interpret the meaning of another’s message. Body language, facial expressions, and tone of voice all send signals regarding the intention of the message sender. Dudley Weeks, “Sensing,” explains the importance of using your eyes as well as your ears to listen. I have noticed that when people are telling a lie their eyes become shifty. Also, some liars fidget with their feet. These observations are made with my eyes, but they tell so much about what that person is trying to say. When someone says, “I am fine,” it could mean many things. If you just listen to the words, that person is “fine.” If you watch them as they say it, you might see that they are sad, frustrated, or angry. I try to watch the facial expressions of others when they speak. Sensing is another way to avoid tension and settle conflict.

“Everyday Love,” by Sidney Harris, discusses consideration. I love this essay because it sums up love in a way that is unusual, but true. Some favor the fairytale definition of love, but Harris’s definition is more practical. Without all of the “little things” a relationship cannot survive. “Love alone withers without constant waterings-and this ‘watering’ is less an emotion than an action and a concern.” A “watering” could be arriving on time, or giving your full attention to whomever you are speaking. Minor things individually, but a monumental gesture of love when done consistently. I have watched people-couples-these little gestures are so appreciates when couples have been together a long time. When the passion is no longer there, the “little things” remind someone how much you still care for them.

In intimate relationships, friendships, and business relationships, Coleman McCarthy’s “Resolving Conflicts Nonviolently” is applicable. Among the many strong points in the essay, there are three that I particularly enjoy. “When people have fought, don’t ask what happened.” It is true that everyone has his or her own version of the story. When an event takes place, each of us interpret it differently. Asking someone, “What did you do?” allows one to retrace the steps that led up to the event. “Start with what’s doable.” We all have moments where we are so angry that the emotion seems to great to just let go. McCarthy points out that peace cannot always be restored quickly. If something takes a while to develop it usually takes just as long to forgive. “Develop forgiveness skills” sounds like a simple task. Forgiveness is one of the hardest acts to do. I know that I struggle with forgiving those who have hurt me. The older I get the easier it has become, but I have been known to still hold a grudge or two. The funny thing is that everyone knows it feels so much better to let things go and gain power back. Unfortunately, there is so much emotion wrapped around that grudge that it takes a great deal of will power and maturity to release it.

Conflicts are inevitable. We all have them and we all struggle through them. Listening, communicating, loving, and consideration are all acts that help resolve conflict and reduce the likelihood of violence.