Changing Myself - A Journey to Nonviolence
Changing Myself – A journey to non-violence
"Our greatness lies not so much in being able to remake the world as being able to remake ourselves." –Gandhi
Since deciding, at the age of 45, to quit my job and go to law school I have undoubtedly been on a path of change. Pursuing a career as an attorney has truly changed my life in some very big ways. I no longer live in the home that I pay a monthly mortgage on. Instead, I live in a rental home closer to campus. This means I am no longer a “country” girl that lives on a sizeable piece of land and is surrounded by nature and wildlife. Now, I live close to the city and in a subdivision where my neighbors are really, really close and thankfully friendly.
However big of an impact this change has had on my life it has not altered some very basic things. I eat the same things I did before I took the LSAT. I exercise the same way – about 45 minutes a day spent walking. And perhaps most telling I think the same way about most things. Oh sure, I am beginning to “think like a lawyer” but that thinking only pertains to a tiny subset of issues. All the rest of the things I normally spend time thinking about are still thought in the same way they have always been.
Frankly, I didn’t see that as a problem. Or maybe I did but I couldn’t or wouldn’t embrace that my thinking might be the root of a problem. Instead I was a believer that doing more, learning more, having more degrees, having more friends, having more stuff would lead to change, to happiness, to peace. It really never occurred to me that the only way I could affect the balance of peace in the world, the only way I could promote non-violence would be to change me first. It never occurred to me because I never conceived that I was the problem, the root, the cause. “I don’t”, I say to myself, “start wars, kill people or animals, promote bloodshed, or support violence in any way.” Or do I?
Is there a way, or are there in fact many ways, in which I support violence, suffering, misery, war, killing, bloodshed, and pain? Unfortunately the answer is yes. By how I choose to live, by the choices I make and don’t make, and by the prism I choose to see the world through, I am a substantial part and promoter of the violence I abhor. With this realization I have decided to take Gandhi at his word and instead of charging windmills in an attempt to remake the world, I will attempt – even on a small scale – to remake myself. I will attempt, during this semester to institute a life-long change. This change is meant to steer me away from the life I have led. It is meant to start me down a path of promoting peace, not violence. This change, I believe, will change the way I think and I act and I feel even in ways that I cannot begin to imagine. The change that I will make in my life is to stop eating animals and to become a vegetarian. This journal will track my successes, failures, and ultimate insights in this journey towards a lifestyle that, hopefully, promotes nonviolence and peace among not just people but among all fellow species.
Becoming a Vegetarian and the Lessons Therein
“You have just dined, and however scrupulously the slaughterhouse is concealed in the graceful distance of miles, there is complicity.”
Ralph Waldo Emerson
My heart has always gone out to animals. I remember, as a young girl, watching Old Yeller. The scene where the boy puts his dog down (because the dog has rabies) broke my heart. Bambi was the same. In order to escape the pain, I wanted to cut my own heart out when Bambi’s mother is shot by the hunter. And there was another movie, A Girl Named Sooner, where a little girl who had been bullied, turned on her pet bird, which could not fly, and helped the bully stone the bird to death. To this day I think of that scene with great sorrow, anger, and disgust. I have always been blessed to have animals as companions; cats, dogs, birds, squirrels, and various other furry friends. There have been times when animals have been my only friends, but loyal and loving friends they have been. Given the choice between human companionship and that of animals, I often choose the companionship of animals. I believe animals to be self-aware, empathetic, intuitive, and loving. I find animal cruelty sickening and I have, since a young age, opposed any and all types of experimentation on animals. I rejected a fur coat I received as a Christmas gift. And I truly believe that if I was starving to death I could not and would not kill an animal for food.
However, I eat meat. I eat chicken, ham, beef, turkey, bacon, pate, etc. Or what I should say is that I eat chickens, pigs, cows, lambs, turkeys, and geese. And I am, as my waist-size can attest, far from starvation. Yet, although I stopped eating veal a long while ago, I still eat rack of lamb and suckling pig. These are not full-grown adult animals but the babies of other species. If I encountered these babies on the side of the road I would scoop them up and nurse them until adulthood. Still, and without any thought, I will serve and eat these babies and marvel at how delicious they are. What a hypocrite I am.
Consequently, the first change I will make towards a nonviolent life, will be to become a vegetarian, because if I continue to eat animals then I continue to be a hypocrite. Worst, if I don’t become a vegetarian, I continue to be a real-time promoter of the violence against the very animals I care for in my heart.
INSIGHT #1: Greater respect for other species leads to greater self-respect
"Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indomitable will." -Mahatma Gandhi
One week ago I became a vegetarian. I went home and cleaned the bacon out of my refrigerator, the mini hotdogs from my pantry, the beef jerky I stash in my truck for emergencies and disposed of all of it. I then sat down and read the animal sections of the course books. I focused my mind on a mantra that a fellow student (Josh) shared with me. “I will not be part of the suffering.” I promised myself that I would see “meat” as the animal rather than an appetizing dish, that I would ask myself when each craving hit whether eating meat was worth that animal’s pain, suffering, and ultimate death. Also, I would put effort into changing my view of animals from accepting their subjugation and miserable lives so that I could have a tasty meal. I sought to elevate other species to the same rank as humans. I endeavored to give animals the same respect I feel I deserve.
Over the last week I have been acutely aware of my decision not to eat meat. Each morning I pat myself on the back for making this decision and for not eating meat the day before. At each meal I remind myself not to order or reach for anything that has meat in it. The surprising and ironic result of not eating meat for one week is that I realize that I am showing animals a level of respect that I have not shown before, and that in showing them more respect, by not eating them and by sacrificing so they would not suffer at my hands, the more self-respect I felt. And this self-respect is evident into a number of interesting areas.
First, I feel less hypocritical, which translates into feeling physically and mentally lighter. I didn’t appreciate how weighty being a hypocrite was and how it served to deplete my strength of mind and body. I also did not understand how much space being a hypocrite served to occupy in my mind, leaving room for little else when it came to mental and physical health. What do I mean? Well, I have always wanted to be a runner but I could never make myself run more than a couple of yards at one time; even in boot camp I struggled to run. I was 17 years old and in the best shape of my life then. Still, running did not come easy if it came at all.
However, something changed when I stopped eating meat. The part of me that was carrying around the guilt of being a meat-eater (and consequently being a promoter of violence against animals) was freed from its burden when I became a vegetarian. Feeling both mentally and physically lighter and less burdened has led me to start a running program. The self-respect that I have gained from overcoming the challenges (for at least the last week) of becoming a vegetarian, has given me the silent strength I need to run one mile and then another and then another.
I had no plans to become a vegetarian and then to start running. It just happened. It was a natural transition as my mind, body, and spirit became less burdened with more room and greater self-respect. Being able to run is an immediate gift for the tiny sacrifice of not eating meat. Yes, I will admit to missing hotdogs from Five Guys. Yes, I love(d) a good steak. Yes, I sometimes feel sorry for myself that I can’t indulge like the meat eaters around me. BUT, and this is a very big but, I have been given a great gift. I have been given the gift of health in return for rejecting animal suffering and eating meat. It’s a great and amazing tradeoff. One I never expected. One that makes me believe that this journey will lead to wonderful and unexpected insights, challenges, and even more gifts. One that gives me hope and strength to continue to be a vegetarian.
INSIGHT #2: Greater respect for other species leads to greater environmental-respect
The earth we abuse and the living things we kill will, in the end, take their revenge; for in exploiting their presence we are diminishing our future.
Marya Mannes
Two weeks ago I became a vegetarian. I began a running program then as well. I now run, without stopping, a mile. I try to do this three times a day. I have found that by being a vegetarian, which lightened my psychological and physical load, which in turn gave me the strength and inspiration to begin running, I now have time (while running) to think and consider nonviolent principles. Yet another unexpected gift - time to think. One of the things I find myself thinking about is how, other than the violence to animals which is avoided, being a vegetarian affects violence as a whole.
After a bit of research and class reading I now understand that vegetarianism conserves fossil fuels, which means that by me eating plant foods instead of meat, more of our non-renewable resources are conserved. This not only leads to less environmental violence but also must lead to less war and conflict over these resources. This is because the less resources we need, as a nation, the less we are willing to fight for them. Vegetarianism also conserves water and our forests. This is amazing when I step back and think that two weeks ago I felt ineffectual, hypocritical, and somewhat hopeless on affecting change in the world. Then with one small life-style change I have stopped being an instrument in the destruction and cruelty of animals, I have stopped feeling like a hypocrite, and I contribute to the conservation of fossil fuels, water, and irreplaceable green-spaces around the world. I no longer feel ineffectual or hopeless. I now understand that “changing” the world begins with one small and very personal step. My small step in becoming a vegetarian has led to greater respect for other species, greater self-respect, and greater respect for the environment.
INSIGHT #3: Greater respect for other species leads to spiritual growth.
“However many holy words you read, However many you speak, What good will they do you If you do not act on upon them?”
Three weeks ago I became a vegetarian. This last week it has been a struggle not to eat meat. It seems everywhere I turn there is meat, a picture of meat, the smell of meat cooking, thoughts of different meat dishes. Yet, each time I repeat my mantra (“I will not be part of the suffering”) I find new resolve. And because of my new running program along with becoming a vegetarian my calf and thigh muscles as well as my spiritual being are growing stronger each day. Each time I run I feel my body tighten and get firm. Each time I resist a meat dish I feel my spirit grow and get stronger. There is no doubt in my mind that the sacrifice I make, by not eating meat, is tiny in comparison to the sacrifice the animal makes, its very life, when I do eat meat. This should be enough to hold me over in times of cravings. What I also try to remember is that by not eating meat I am making a stand against cruelty, suffering, pain, and ultimately factory farming. This is important because I want others to do the same and it is impossible for me to be persuasive if I myself eat animals. I don’t want to support the meat industry and by not buying their products, I signal that I do not support the way they operate and I don’t support their mistreatment of animals.
There are other ways that being a vegetarian is helping me grow spiritually. When I was a meat-eater I did not think highly of a Supreme Being (God by any name). I believed if we were created as a reflection of Him then He must be a highly unethical Being. I often wondered, as many do, how God could turn His back on children’s suffering or animal’s plights. Basically, I projected my own thoughts, feelings, and shortcomings upon God. Because I turned my back on the suffering of animals then He must have as well. Because I was a hypocrite, he must be a hypocrite too. Where was God when we humans, when the animals suffering needed him?
The real question should have been, where was I? I was the hypocrite and I was supposed to be a reflection of God, not the other way around. He is not a reflection of me. Once I started to do the right thing by not eating meat this became clear to me. It also became evident that maybe God was here and maybe He is working through me and all the other folks that are striving for nonviolence. How could I say that I support nonviolence and slaughter at the same time and still be spiritually whole? I could not. If I love animals, and I do, then I cannot, in good conscious kill them or cause them suffering or harm.
INSIGHT #4: Greater respect for other species leads to greater respect of others.
“Carry out a random act of kindness, with no expectation of reward, safe in the knowledge that one day someone
might do the same for you.”
Princess Diana
One month ago I became a vegetarian. I couldn’t be more proud of this decision than I am, and I could not have ever known just how much this decision would change my views and my life. When I decided to give up meat and turn away from being a promoter of animal suffering and death, I did not give the people involved with the slaughter of animals any thought whatsoever. Certainly in the past I have thought about what a horrible job it must be to slaughter animals, but this fact had nothing to do with my decision to give up meat. However, it should have. There are over 500,000 people involved in the slaughter of animals and they must, in my opinion, live very sad lives. I cannot imagine what it does to one’s spirit to cause fear and suffering and to be constantly surrounded by death, pain, and gore. I wonder what sort of ripple effect this has on these people’s families. Certainly, the violence these people are paid to do unto the animals must consume them and their families as well. They must smell and taste death and misery during every moment of their lives.
Like an epiphany, it occurred to me, while running that when I chose to eat meat I was creating a job for at least some of these people; a horrible job that must serve to slowly deplete their lives of joy and happiness. A job, that even the most callous, must abhor. Not a job you would want to bring your kids to and probably not a job one is very proud of or one would want their children to do. Now, one of the most important weapons in my arsenal for staying away from meat is the understanding that to be a vegetarian is to try and protect these people from this type of a miserable life. These people, in my opinion, can never have peace until they stop causing animals pain, suffering, and death. Maybe, by my choosing to eat more fruits and vegetables, instead of and in place of meat, a bigger demand will be created for these products and more jobs processing these products will be created. Jobs that will replace those lost in the slaughterhouses.
The thing I want to convey here is that one tiny decision on my part can serve to end some animal suffering and end some human suffering as well. A tiny sacrifice of not eating meat may lead to a better life for the animals I would have eaten and the people who would have been called upon to slaughter them. That’s pretty powerful stuff. And the major lesson for me in this journey has been that there is no way to foresee all the good that comes from doing the right thing; the nonviolent thing; the thing that takes a little more thought and little sacrifice. There is no way to know how good it will feel to make that step and there is no way to count all the good that can come from choosing a nonviolent path.
I always perceived violence as a huge boulder that when thrown into the pond caused waves that became ripples that coursed through the whole body of water. At the same time, I perceived nonviolence as simply a choice – not even a pebble in the pond…my perception was that choosing a nonviolent lifestyle led to nothing, no waves, no ripples. I did not grasp that nonviolence is as big of a boulder as violence; maybe bigger, but regardless of its size it carries at least the same impact as violence. I did not understand that when one chooses nonviolence over violence that person affects great change and that change can affect many lives.
INSIGHT #5: Greater respect by me for other species leads to greater respect by others for other species. Practiced nonviolence leads to increased nonviolence.
“Character may almost be called the most effective means
of persuasion.”
Two months ago I became a vegetarian and another unexpected gift has come from that decision. The gift of persuasion. When I was a meat-eater I searched for the time and place to discuss with others how to improve animal’s plights. I was concerned with the millions of companion animals that are euthanized each year. I was horrified by the primates and mice and rats and bunnies that were experimented upon. I wanted to talk with others about these issues but found it hard or impossible to do so in polite company. When the conversations did take place I was not so persuasive. The fact that I ate animals made it so that my convictions did not hold water. One of the first questions I would be asked was “are you a vegetarian?” and as soon as I said “no,” the chance for persuasion came to a sudden and complete stop. I didn’t really comprehend that this was because I was being a hypocrite. I blamed others for the their narrow views or for seeking out any excuse not to face these important issues. What did my eating habits have to do with making the decision to adopt a dog from a shelter rather than buy a puppy from a breeder or with cruel experimentation on animals? Everything, it turns out.
Becoming a vegetarian has led to three changes regarding the subject of persuasion. First, when other people realize I am a vegetarian they usually ask why and what my motivations are to not eat meat. This leads conversations started by others, who are then much more open to listening than if I had started the conversation.
Second, being a vegetarian lends enormous credibility to my beliefs of nonviolence. By not eating meat I am sacrificing something in order to be nonviolent. This sacrifice carries weight and others respect and usually admire my nonviolent choice.
Third, being a vegetarian and having credibility increases the chances that others will be persuaded to be nonviolent as well, maybe even become vegetarian. I have never met a person that wishes pain and suffering on animals. I have known many that eat meat but probably wouldn’t if they saw this suffering firsthand. Short of the experience of witnessing animals being slaughtered, the best chance of persuading others to be vegetarian is to be vegetarian myself. It is clear to others that I am not starving from this choice. Nor am I suffering. If anything it becomes evident that I am happier and healthier than I ever was as a meat eater. This is a persuasive trait for anyone searching for a way to be happier and healthier.
INSIGHT #6: Teaching children, through example, to be nonviolent towards other species might lead to greater nonviolence toward humanity.
“Personally I do not resort to force - not even the force of law — to advance moral reforms. I prefer education, argument, persuasion, and above all the influence of example.”
Rutherford Hayes
Four months ago I became a vegetarian. I still miss the taste of meat and my favorite dishes. I grow tired of cheese now more than ever. However, I have greater clarity on who I am as a person and what it is I stand for. Each day that I am a vegetarian leads to another and another. I have found a sense of calm and peace with the decision not to eat meat. It is no longer a whim or a fad but rather a way of life. For all of the reasons aforementioned in this journal, becoming a vegetarian has proven to be one of the best life-changing decisions I have made. I expect to have many more insights and opportunities that stem from living a more nonviolent life. In an effort to document these insights and opportunities, I intend on continuing this journal past the end of the course and throughout the rest of my life.
The final insight I would like to share, before the course ends, is that by setting a vegetarian lifestyle example for our children it would be more likely that less violence amongst people would occur. This makes sense if you believe that violence is a learned, rather than instinctive, human behavior. If children, who later become adults and who wage war against others, were taught that all life was sacred and that they did not have the “right” to subjugate other species for their own pleasures, I believe that children would extrapolate this message to the rest of humanity. These children would become adults, who would reject out of hand the beliefs that one set of humans should dominate another, that it is acceptable to wage war and kill and maim to pursue any cause, and that self-desire is an all-important and all-excusing need that overrides the rights of any other sentient being. I believe that it is a small step for a child, through their eating decisions, to subjugate animals to a life of despair, suffering, and death and then to subjugate other people to the same. There is no stopping point for a meat-eating child. What is the real difference, the child may ask, between these animals that suffer and die, so that I may eat what I want and other people who suffer and die, so that I may have what I want? There are many similarities between the animals being slaughtered and the people who are killed in war; both are faceless and nameless, and thus endear no empathy or sympathy from the killer or user; both are obstacles or means to an end to the one who wants what the animals or people have in their possession, and both are considered to be devoid of any uniqueness and thought to be completely expendable and easily replaceable.
However, for a child raised to be a vegetarian there is a stopping point. This child has been taught not to subjugate, not to hold his/her own self-interest and desires higher than the lives of others, and not to believe that others are obstacles or a means to an end or expendable. When the vegetarian child is presented with the scenario of war, there should be an immediate and forceful rejection of violence as he/she has consistently, each day of their life and at every meal, made a decision to be nonviolent. Can there be any greater reason than this to teach children to be vegetarian? If we care about the lives our children and their children will lead, how, can we teach them, from their very first meal, that it is acceptable to subjugate others to pain, suffering, and death, well knowing this will lead to greater violence among humanity?